It’s All Too Much

I know it has been a hot minute since I have posted. So I will update you on the changes in my life. I have a new job at All States Material Group, as the A/R Supervisor. It is a huge change from what I am used to. Policies, procedures, red tape and only being responsible for A/R.

In all of my previous jobs I was responsible for all of it A/R, A/P, Payroll, HR, scheduling. As my dad always says “chief cook and bottle washer.” It is truly a step outside of my comfort zone.

The Post Concussive Symptoms aren’t diminishing like I hoped. Headaches, dizziness, nausea, thermoregulation issues, extreme exhaustion, vision issues., anxiety, memory issues, brain fog, sleep issues, either I can’t sleep, or I am so exhausted I can’t get out of my own way. All of these impact my daily life, as well as my work performance. On a daily basis I question my ability to do my job effectively, to supervise correctly, and to be part of the Accounting Team.

Last week I had a meltdown, I used to be able to remember everything, hell I still remember Keyes Electric’s bank account number. Now I have to write everything down, even the smallest detail so I can work effectively. I cried, actually sobbed for the loss of the person I used to be.

When that lady rear ended me and sent me flying and flipping, she took away the life I used to have. I am angry, sad, and frustrated. I want my life back, the life that was stolen from me, due to her negligence.

I refuse to throw myself a pity party, but a pity day every now and then seems to be in order. Between the loss of Connor, the loss of Steve, and this accident I feel like I have paid my dues. I am at my limit, I can’t handle anymore. Too much grief, sadness and life changes for 1 woman to handle.

The phrase “God only gives you what you can handle.” Well I am at my limit, I can’t handle anymore, my broad shoulders are tired and bowing a bit. The grief that hits out of nowhere, the realization that in November Connor will be gone 5 years, the Facebook Memories showing the last first day picture I took of him, with his precious car, and the expression that said “are you done yet, why do we have to do this Mom?”

I am grateful for these last set of pictures, grateful for all the memories of the fun times. But I am tired of all the emotions. In the words of Chris Young, “I gotta say, missing you comes in waves, and tonite I’m drowning.” I need the waves to calm down and not be 100 feet tall every 10 seconds, give me a chance to catch my breath in between.

2 thoughts on “It’s All Too Much

  1. I apologize I didn’t read your posts to know you have PCS! That accident looks horrific. My husband has PCS from a train derailment in Shelburne Falls five years ago. I am so sorry you’re going through this 🥺 with grief added 😨 Kara

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