Today is Christmas Eve, the day when the kids were little seemed to last forever. The tree was up, the not Santa presents were around it. And they were in full anticipation mode. When is he gonna come, can we open just one present, when will Nana, Grampie and Uncle Scott be here, what time are Meme, Papa and DeeDee getting here?

By the time I finally got them to bed, I was more exhausted than either of them. Once they were asleep then it was time to drag the Santa presents out of their hiding, and add them to the pile. I miss those days, days where you could hardly see the tree for the presents, days when the excitement was palpable. When DeeDee’s job was to put all the stickers on the new toys. I miss us all being together at my house. A houseful of love, joy, family and happiness.

Christmas isn’t the same, and it never will be. After the death of Connor it became a holiday season that I dread. From the beginning of November until New Years Eve I would literally like to be a hibernating bear. Just curl up, go to sleep and wake me for Kyle’s Birthday on New Years Day, but I can’t do that.

So what I do is muddle through, stuff the grief down as far as it will go, even though it will bubble to the surface as the season goes on. Nothing will change the fact that our lives have changed. Without Connor there is less joy, silliness and general mayhem in this house. Kyle brings the stability, love and general calm to us.

I love both my boys, equally and differently. Because they are 2 completely different children, with different, needs, wants and personalities. That is what makes them unique and totally love able in this mom’s heart.

So to Kyle, Merry Christmas and your birthday will be here in the blink of an eye. I am immensely proud of the young man you have become, you and Holly forging a life of your own. Good jobs, an apartment 2 cats,and the trappings of adulthood. I love you more than you will ever know, to the moon and back.

To Connor, I miss you with every fiber of my being. I miss witnessing who you would have become, and all the chaos that you brought to our lives. The love that you brought, having Jordan by your side. Like your brother, I love you to the moon and back.

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