Since the only way this ankle is ever going to heal is if I stay off of it. So I have been binging anything I can find. Chicago Med, Chicago Fire, Emily in Paris, FBI, Cold Case Files and my absolute favorite Law & Order, SVU. The Dun Dun sound will always fix me to my seat, regardless of whether I have seen the episode or not.
I am now on Season 19, and the last episode really hit home. It was about a Father who kidnapped his infant son, because his Mother wanted to turn off the machines and he did not.
Just over 5 years ago Mark and I were faced with that same horrendous decision. We were united in whatever the final decision was. But that didn’t make it any easier. The knowledge that we were going to have to turn off the ventilator, was unbearable.
I remember having a discussion with the Dr. that was in charge of the PICU, he said to me. “I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that the son that you know and love isn’t there anymore. His brain is no longer functioning, he isn’t breathing on his own, and his movements aren’t purposeful. If we hook him up to permanent machines, you lose the choice to unplug them, that becomes the State’s decision.”
As much as I never wanted to make that decision, it was a decision that Mark and I were able to make amongst us and our family. The decision was made, to sit with him that last day, hold his hand, talk to him, laugh, cry and beg him to open those beautiful blue eyes of his. The opening of his eyes never happened, but I will hold the memories of that last day in my heart forever.
That episode of Law & Order reduced me to blubbering tears. As much as I love that show, that episode will be one that I can walk away from. It won’t rivet me to my chair.