Growing up

Missing

by A Hole in My Heart💔💙

This has been a rough month. This ankle break has given me time, time to think and reflect about the last 5+ years. First I lost Connor, then Steve, then the shuttering of Keyes Electric, then the accident that sent me flying through the air. Flipped four times after being rear ended, walked away bruised and bumped with a severe concussion. Then the klutz that I am, fell in the garage and ended up like this.

When the boys were little, the thought of spending a week in bed being waited on was an unattainable dream. To just lay there, read, sleep, watch tv (all the things on the ID channel that I love,) Well all those things have happened, Mark has been on meal detail since this has happened. I have only gotten up to go to the bathroom, get a shower in and in the last week work from my dining room table and sometimes move to sit in the living room.

I am BORED, I have read 10 books, my Apple Watch says that I have a serious sleep credit, I have streamed everything I can find that I might like. But one thing hasn’t changed. I miss Connor, and all this “leisure” time has given me time to think about it.

There will not be a day, until I am out in the ground next to him that I won’t miss him. When I’m watching Law & Order:SVU I miss him laughing at the “heinous” crime intro and calling an aneous crime. Saying “mom is watching weird murder crap again.”

When I flip through all my streaming services I come across things he would be watching, FORGED IN FIRE, JACKASS, DEADLIEST CATCH, STREET OUTLAWS, THE ENTIRE FAST & FURIOUS SERIES, & MOONSHINERS. They make me smile, and there are always some tears shed. In my head I can hear his commentary, and him on the phone with Jordan.

I swear sometimes I hear his laughter from from his bedroom. I know it isn’t real (but that doesn’t mean I haven’t opened the door to check.) But all I find are the memories of him, his Hard Hat from Tech, signed by his classmates, the Eversource Hard Hat that they dropped off the day of the funeral. The pictures that he took of him and Jordan. His ski and baseball gear, and all the crap that a teen boy collects.

People have told me that I need to clean out his room, that keeping it as a shrine isn’t healthy. But in my mind, once I clear it out, that means he is NEVER coming back. I know in my head he is never coming back, but my heart just can’t get there yet. I’m not sure if it ever will.

End of an Era

by A Hole in My Heart💔💙

   

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     For what has felt like most of my parenting life I have been involved in Colrain Cal Ripken Baseball. Kyle started playing when he was in 3rd grade, he honestly played because all of his friends played, not because he loved the game. Connor tagged along to practice with him and instantly fell in love with the game. He practiced with Kyle’s team even though he was way to little to play.
     The first year Kyle played, Mark was a “helping coach”. From then on he was an actual rostered coach. It soon became known that I knew how to keep score, a highly prized ability. After that the book was mine, along with everything that came along with it. Keeping the crew of kids under control, let me tell you, its like herding cats. 14 little boys and girls under 10, all excited to play a position, or swing the bat. But someone needs to make sure they wear helmets and don’t swing the bat near each other. Someone needs to make sure they get to their field position and that they don’t bat out of order.

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     Very shortly I learned to carry a bag of tricks with me. It was soon nicknamed my “Mary Poppins Bag”, it had my score book, pencils, a pencil sharpener, erasers, snacks, drinks, an umbrella, a piece of plastic to keep my score book dry. It truly was a never ending bag of stuff.
     As both boys progressed through the age ranks, I continued to keep score. Connor played Summer Competitive Tournament Ball for 3 years. That bag went with me. Kyle graduated from elementary school and chose to play Golf in Middle School. Mark and I took over the league. I still kept score and carted the “Mary Poppins Bag” around.

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     Finally in 2012 Connor graduated from Elementary School, he continued playing baseball in Middle School.  We have spent 2 years trying to find someone to take over the league…with no luck.
     Finally this year we have found wonderful people to take our place. Tasha and Ray. They love the game as much as we do, and have young kids, and I can pass my “Mary Poppins Bag” to someone who will need it, and put it to good use. It is the end of an era, I am both sad and happy to see it go.

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