No matter how many other Grieving Moms you talk to, and how many books you read. Nothing prepares you for the days of deep despair and depression that grips you. The days that I miss Connor so much that everything makes me sad, everything reminds me of him, and the tragedy that changed our lives forever. When the accident happened this sorrow, despair and sadness was an everyday occurrence. I carried a box of Kleenex with me every where I went. I tried to just go to work, and then home. I was honestly afraid that if someone asked me how I was I would fall apart.
I soon learned that I couldn’t control my emotions like I used to. I used to be able to put on the happy face and run into Big Y and grab a head of lettuce. Make small talk with the people in the checkout and be on my way. Those days are long gone, now it is a production, can I put sunglasses on, are there cars in the parking lot I recognize, do I really need the butter, or can I just substitute the olive oil I have at home, why doesn’t Big Y have a damn drive thru?
I wish I could say that I was as strong as I looked, but recently I had to admit that the control I thought I had was as fragile as a spider web. Depression and the treatment for it isn’t dirty words, despite what Tom Cruise or his precious Scientology may believe. Depression is a byproduct of the sadness and grief that results from the loss of our children. It will take time, work and medication to get through this.
We aren’t quite halfway through 2019 and so far it has been a year of tremendous highs and crazy lows.
1. ⬆️ Mark and I went on a spectacular vacation to Jamaica. We met some amazing people, and plan to go back next year, at the same time to reconnect with many of them.
2. ⬇️ At the end of 2018 Mark’s dad died, although it was expected it is never easy. And in just after a year after the loss of Connor it was all to close.
3. ⬆️ We put Grampa’s house on the market and it sold much quicker than we expected.
4. ⬇️ That means that we are now in the process of cleaning out the house, that contains 20 years of memories. Of both my in laws as well as my boys.
5. ⬆️ Jordan chose to go to prom this year after sitting last years out. We spent months dress shopping. Okay only all of February but it felt like longer, to find her the perfect dress.
6. ⬇️ Jordan had an accident on the way home from school and totaled her car. She is ok, just bruised and a tiny bit broken, but she will be ok. She scared the daylights out of me, but that’s what children do to parents.
7. ↕️ This is both, tonight Jordan went to prom, looking absolutely gorgeous. All that was missing was Connor. But no amount of wishing, and hoping will change that. She and Riley looked lovely together, and I am so proud of the strong and brave young woman she is.
The first 4 months of this year has been a rollercoaster of emotions. Ups and downs, twists and turns. But I am proud of us, we have weathered this craziness and come out of it not a lot worse for the wear. We may be a little tattered and frayed around the edges, but maybe that gives us extra character. Or maybe I am just trying to rationalize how we survived this. What I do know is we have learn how to turn the sails to catch the wind and keep going.
It’s been a while since I sat down to write, and in that time quite a bit has happened. Mark and I spent a week in Jamaica, one of those days was Connor’s Birthday and that was on purpose.
It is just to hard for me to be here on March 15th, when he is not. There are days in this horrible life changing mess that I am sure will stay with me forever. The first is the day of the accident 11/6/17, then the fateful day we turned off the machines 11/17/17, and finally Connor’s Birthday 3/15/2000.
I have hope that someday in the distant future the 6th and the 17th of November won’t send me hiding for my covers, a bottle of wine and the biggest box of Kleenex that they make. But I am pretty confident that those days are a long time coming.
Tuesday Jordan totaled her car, she scared the daylights out of all of us. She just has a broken wrist and some pretty bad bruises but she will be fine. But there is no worse feeling than having your heart in your throat and the thought that you are going down that awful rabbit hole of grief all over again.
I am so proud of the young lady that she has grown into. She is so strong and brave, yet with poise and grace. I am proud to claim her as the daughter that he sent me.
When she goes to prom next Friday night, and she gets all dressed up, looking like a princess. It will take a lot to hold back my tears. Yet the ones that do fall will be mixed with both joy and sadness, and I know that Connor will be right beside me whispering “she looks gorgeous mom, give her a kiss for me.”💋💋