Just over 4 months in to this horror that has changed my life I had a world class sized panic attack. The kind that puts you in the Emergency Room, with your body trying trying to revolt on you. I have to come to terms with the fact that I can’t control everything. I can’t keep everything bottled up inside, and being strong doesn’t mean that I don’t give myself the chance or the ability to just fall apart. That my friends is a big fat lie. Falling apart is a part of this journey, it can be said it is a right of passage. Today my heart blew apart like a thousand tiny puzzle pieces and I began the process of putting it back together. It is a arduous process just like this entire grieving process. There is nothing easy or remotely enjoyable about it. Sometimes I just have to give myself time to cry, wail, scream, be sad and at times give in to my grief. I am just in the beginning stages of this lifelong journey. No amount of sorrow, tears or screaming will bring Connor back to me. But that doesn’t mean that bottling it all up inside will help.

I am beginning to wonder if by having my heart fall apart and then begin to repair, like Dr. Seuss’ Grinch my heart will grow in size and dimension. I will be able to accept things that I never dreamed of. Love and acceptance, like healing comes in stages. I am just 4 months in, just barely scratching the surface of the the first stage of this grief.

Someday I will be able to dig out of the trenches of grief. The shovel will appear and the digging will begin, at this moment I am going one step at a time. Trying to be gentle with myself, my heart and my soul, and most importantly my body. As moms we aren’t wired to do this, so my wiring needs to be diverted, or even removed and changed. Much like my boss removes old Knob & Tube wiring and replaces it with Romex wiring. I will have new wiring to support the new normal that I live in.

See this woman right here? She has walked the same path as me, she lost her daughter Tabitha in 2016. At the time I couldn’t imagine anything worse happening to anyone, and I did my best to try and help her. She is strong, tough really and she pushed on through her grief and pain doing the daily things and trying not to let any of us see how much in pain she was. I know she buried it deep, and someday I may understand that, but right now mine remains too close to the surface. I can’t bury it deep, it pops up at the most inopportune moments.

Missy and I have been bonded for many years, since our babies were in pre-school. Connor and Krystal were boyfriend and girlfriend from pre-school until 7th grade. They spent hours on the phone together, and as much time together as they could. Missy watched my kids when I went back to work, and Connor and Krystal loved that (I’m not sure Kyle was as much of a fan of it, but he dealt with it).

Even when they moved on from “loving” each other, they remained friends, they were there for each other. There when a relationship fell apart, Krystal was there for Connor when his Mimi died and he was there for her when Tabitha died. They rode the bus together, laughed and giggled, and were just the best friends.

Then they both got their licenses and life moved on, they both got cars and the bus didn’t transport anymore, but since they were both at Tech, they still remained there for each other.  Just the way great friends should be, just like Missy and I are grieving, I know Krystal is. She grieves for both Tabitha and Connor. A loss that no young girl should have to experience. She has more in common with Jordan than ever before, they both loved Connor and now they both grieve for him. Life truly is unfair, and I with I could make sense of it. But I just can’t, I just know that Missy and I have walked this path, and will continue, it is a path we never asked for, but we will walk it together, facing this heartache and pain as best we can. Moms forever, Grieving Moms until the day we leave this earth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 days, at sea, with warmth and sun and beautiful blue water, clear skies and puffy clouds. The temperature never dipping below 78 during the day. Amazing food and free flowing cocktails, fantastic friends. 3 days at sea floating in the Bahamas gave me a new perspective on things.

Seeing the scooters in Nassau and knowing that Connor and Jordan would be seeing the island on one of those. That they would be playing in the waves and having a blast made me smile. A melancholy smile but not one full of tears this time.

Would they be trying to figure out what to eat at one of the sit down restaurants on the ship, or would they just stick to the “safe buffet”? Once they could drink they would be hanging out by the pool bar, he in his long wild colored swim trunks and she in a beautiful bikini. Just like the hundreds of young people on our cruise. But they would be different, special because they only cared for each other.

This quick trip to the warmth of The Bahamas gave me renewed perspective on life and loss. I will always see Connor and Jordan in young people in love. But after 3 days at sea with no tears shed, I realized I can do this without racking pain, soul wrenching tears and all consuming heartache. It will never be the same, but it will be ok.

Today was a day where focusing was next to impossible. My brain kept drifting, drifting to Connor’s first birthday, with ice cream cake. His birthday with “Sex in a Bowl”, a family favorite from Missy and Krystal also known as Chocolate Trifle. To the Birthday Parties in the basement, one year I made my own piñata. To the Birthday Party at The Basketball Hall of Fame. When it was just he and Luke walking around and around having a great time. I was the Mom of the Year for that one.

The years of combined Birthday Parties at The Red Roof Inn with Connor, Hunter and Aiden. Swimming and eating pizza and snacks. Us parents enjoyed it, Connor revealed in recent years they weren’t his favorite. He didn’t like to swim and Hunter didn’t like to be the center of attention.

In recent years it was just a couple of friends to hang out, and last year it was Jordan, only Jordan to make him happy.❤️❤️ He never really liked cake, but give him ice cream and he could eat the whole half gallon.

Maybe next day I won’t drift so much, maybe I will be able to handle his birthday a little better. But for now, drifting amongst my happiest memories is the best place to be. The place where I can remember Connor and everything that made him happy.

No matter how long, there never seems to be enough time. Whether it is 17, 27 or 57 years. There is never enough time. But if you ask me if the choice is 17 years or no years, I would instantly tell you 17 years. I would rather have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

“And now I’m glad I didn’t know, the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance….”

Garth Brooks says it best. There will be pain, but to avoid the pain and the grief that means you have to avoid all the fun things that lead up to it. All the baseball games, all the years of Tournament Ball (traveling all summer), each weekend a different tournament and a different field. The years of Suburban Football, and having to be at a field at 6 am at a place an hr away.

The years of camping as a family and finding sand in shoes months later, watching both of them boogie board long after the lifeguards left. Crabbing and fishing with Mark, even though they never caught a darn thing. Ice cream every night when we were camping, and nightly campfires, when the bedtimes went out the window.

Those are the “dance” times that I will remember, I have pictures of many of them. But even without pictures they are burned in my forever memory.

I wouldn’t have given up those times forever. It made us who we are as a family, I am glad I didn’t know how it would end. But I wouldn’t have changed a bit of their childhood. And I hope that they wouldn’t have either.