Just over 4 months in to this horror that has changed my life I had a world class sized panic attack. The kind that puts you in the Emergency Room, with your body trying trying to revolt on you. I have to come to terms with the fact that I can’t control everything. I can’t keep everything bottled up inside, and being strong doesn’t mean that I don’t give myself the chance or the ability to just fall apart. That my friends is a big fat lie. Falling apart is a part of this journey, it can be said it is a right of passage. Today my heart blew apart like a thousand tiny puzzle pieces and I began the process of putting it back together. It is a arduous process just like this entire grieving process. There is nothing easy or remotely enjoyable about it. Sometimes I just have to give myself time to cry, wail, scream, be sad and at times give in to my grief. I am just in the beginning stages of this lifelong journey. No amount of sorrow, tears or screaming will bring Connor back to me. But that doesn’t mean that bottling it all up inside will help.
I am beginning to wonder if by having my heart fall apart and then begin to repair, like Dr. Seuss’ Grinch my heart will grow in size and dimension. I will be able to accept things that I never dreamed of. Love and acceptance, like healing comes in stages. I am just 4 months in, just barely scratching the surface of the the first stage of this grief.
Someday I will be able to dig out of the trenches of grief. The shovel will appear and the digging will begin, at this moment I am going one step at a time. Trying to be gentle with myself, my heart and my soul, and most importantly my body. As moms we aren’t wired to do this, so my wiring needs to be diverted, or even removed and changed. Much like my boss removes old Knob & Tube wiring and replaces it with Romex wiring. I will have new wiring to support the new normal that I live in.