As I sat at the last of the whirlwind graduation parties for Connor’s friends the McCloud twins. Who I have never been able to tell apart, I know that one is just a little shorter than the other one, I now know that if they are wearing baseball caps Zacky wears his backwards and Brady never does. To me they have always been the McCloud twins, Brady and Zacky his buddies, the twins. They always came to my house as a package deal, because I wouldn’t dream of separating them. They were 2 of his pallbearers (in different color shirts) thank God. Brady in s blue dress shirt and Zacky in green, so I didn’t have to fumble through not knowing that day.
They did the unthinkable, the unimaginable for Connor and for us. What 18 year old boys could ever imagine having to carry one of their buddies to his final resting place? But they did it, for me, for him for the amazing community that we live in. Because that is the kind of children that we raised. Children that are kind and yet strong, loving yet dependable.
Amy has walked through this storm of grief with me. Both of us knowing that by the grace of god it could have been any one of us.
After most of the crowd left a group of us sat at one table chatting and reminiscing about baseball, little league, travel team ball and all the sports our boys played. Shortly the clouds opened up, luckily the tent kept us dry. But it was a storm of a different kind, unlike the emotional storm that I have endured for the last 7 months.
I will never understand why I was chosen to give up my precious son, or what the overall plan was for this. Sometimes I am in disbelief and think he is gonna walk through the door, sometimes I am angry because I know it is never gonna happen and other times I just plain sad and broken.
What I do know is that I am a different person than I was before November 6th. I am a person who doesn’t take life, love or anything for granted. I learned that the hard way. It is fleeting and needs to be savored like fine wine and chocolate.