Memories and Spirit

Connors friends and classmates never cease to amaze me. Since the first night of the accident, when my phone began to blow up. They all wanted to know if he was ok, and was there anything they could do. They organized donations at the school and have been beside us every step of the way.

These young men and women are hurting as much as Mark and I are. They lost a classmate, a friend, a teammate, and in the case of Jordan a boyfriend and soulmate. There hearts are broken, aching and hurting just like us. They don’t know how to process this anymore than we do, this is uncharted territory for all of us.

Two weeks ago was FCTS Junior / Senior Prom, an event that Connor and Jordan had looked forward to, but now something Jordan and I were dreading. She and I spent the day being pampered to try and block it out.

The Seniors had been planning, and need I say scheming to make sure Connor was at Prom in spirit. Krystal and Courtanie had the carpentry shop make this bat, CAD engraved the writing on it, and Courtanie painted the letters.

I got pictures of special couples holding the bat at prom. Pictures of friends of Connor and Jordan, smiling, but with melancholy looks in their eyes. But none are as special as this picture. This picture is Devon, Krystal and Kyle. All my Colrain kids from FCTS. The group that played ball together and hung together in elementary school. Showing me that he may not be there in body but definitely in spirit❤️

Hurdles and Dates

22 years ago I walked down the aisle, I was one of the last of my friends to take the plunge. I had sowed all my wild oats, earned 2 degrees and found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I envisioned a life full of happiness, things would be easy. We would sail along into blissful love and marriage. Lol, then reality hit. Kyle was conceived on our honeymoon and the first year of wedded bliss was paired with morning sickness and pregnancy hormones. Kyle came screaming into the world in January and we celebrated our first wedding anniversary in April of that same year.

Three years later Connor was born and our family was complete, I was a boy mom, I had always envisioned girls, and bows and dresses and lace. Instead I was surrounded by overalls and trucks and mud. I wouldn’t have traded a minute of that for anything.

Life doesn’t come with a manual, or if it does I didn’t get mine. I do know that I made some mistakes being a wife and a mom. Hell none of us are perfect. The June Cleaver era and doing housework in your pearls and heels went out a long time ago.

What I do know is that I wouldn’t change a minute of any of it, from the frogs in the laundry to the sleepless nights due to sickness, to the hours helping them work on projects or the countless field trips I chaperoned.

Tonight was the FCTS Junior/Senior Prom, just one more hurdle we have to get over. Jordan and I got massages and pedicures, wore our matching flip flops that Michelle Milton got us (they are awesome) and tried to pretend it wasn’t happening today.

In reality it was niggling in the back of my mind, just like always. But I was trying to focus on the good times, on all the fun he had, how he loved to dance and how he truly looked so handsome in his tux.

22 years, 2 boys, and 1 marriage later. Life doesn’t come with a manual, it’s a dance you learn as you go. And in my head I am dancing to his favorite music right now. Shall we line dance to the Cotton Eyed Joe anyone???

I Want it Back

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Photo Credit (Kevin Momaney)

You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this

~~~Trace Adkins~~~~

When my boys were young my mom always told me “Once they go to school, the time goes by so quick Tam, they are in kindergarten, then you blink and they are in Middle School, and before you know it they are graduating.” At the time I was in the middle of screaming toddlers, and babies that wouldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I couldn’t see the fact that they were going to grow up so fast.

Kyle is getting ready to move out, and Connor is gone, gone in a way that never returns, gone in a way that all I have left are memories. Memories that I cling to with all I have, like algae clings to your foot when you get out of a lake, or the sand from the beach that wont brush off of your body no matter how hard you try.

I do miss it, I miss running from one Baseball Practice to another. The times when Kyle had Golf at Mohawk and Connor played Suburban Football. Trying to be in 2 places at the same time. I even miss their squabbling and snapping at each other. I miss my boys, I miss them when they were little, all snugly, and even when they were too big to snuggle, when they needed me.

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The summers of Tournament Ball, every weekend a different tournament, in a different town. Pack the car on Thursday night, games on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and then get ready to do it all again the next weekend, with practices in between. Once the summer was over we went straight into Suburban Football.  With maybe a week of vacation squeezed in somewhere, if we tried hard enough.

Then he morphed into Middle School Baseball, and Babe Ruth and finally High School Ball, all benchmarks of growing up. Not as needy as before, he could get himself where he needed to be, but still needed Gatorade and seeds on a regular basis.

Kyle needs this, he needs to move out on his own, and grow, and spread his wings, but my house will be so empty. I don’t know if I am really ready for an empty nest, although I would never tell him that he couldn’t go, I’m not that kind of mom. I just know I will miss him, but he wont be far away, I can call him, or text him, and he will come home to visit. It is a different kind of missing.

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