accident

Missing

by A Hole in My Heart💔💙

This has been a rough month. This ankle break has given me time, time to think and reflect about the last 5+ years. First I lost Connor, then Steve, then the shuttering of Keyes Electric, then the accident that sent me flying through the air. Flipped four times after being rear ended, walked away bruised and bumped with a severe concussion. Then the klutz that I am, fell in the garage and ended up like this.

When the boys were little, the thought of spending a week in bed being waited on was an unattainable dream. To just lay there, read, sleep, watch tv (all the things on the ID channel that I love,) Well all those things have happened, Mark has been on meal detail since this has happened. I have only gotten up to go to the bathroom, get a shower in and in the last week work from my dining room table and sometimes move to sit in the living room.

I am BORED, I have read 10 books, my Apple Watch says that I have a serious sleep credit, I have streamed everything I can find that I might like. But one thing hasn’t changed. I miss Connor, and all this “leisure” time has given me time to think about it.

There will not be a day, until I am out in the ground next to him that I won’t miss him. When I’m watching Law & Order:SVU I miss him laughing at the “heinous” crime intro and calling an aneous crime. Saying “mom is watching weird murder crap again.”

When I flip through all my streaming services I come across things he would be watching, FORGED IN FIRE, JACKASS, DEADLIEST CATCH, STREET OUTLAWS, THE ENTIRE FAST & FURIOUS SERIES, & MOONSHINERS. They make me smile, and there are always some tears shed. In my head I can hear his commentary, and him on the phone with Jordan.

I swear sometimes I hear his laughter from from his bedroom. I know it isn’t real (but that doesn’t mean I haven’t opened the door to check.) But all I find are the memories of him, his Hard Hat from Tech, signed by his classmates, the Eversource Hard Hat that they dropped off the day of the funeral. The pictures that he took of him and Jordan. His ski and baseball gear, and all the crap that a teen boy collects.

People have told me that I need to clean out his room, that keeping it as a shrine isn’t healthy. But in my mind, once I clear it out, that means he is NEVER coming back. I know in my head he is never coming back, but my heart just can’t get there yet. I’m not sure if it ever will.

It’s All Too Much

by A Hole in My Heart💔💙

I know it has been a hot minute since I have posted. So I will update you on the changes in my life. I have a new job at All States Material Group, as the A/R Supervisor. It is a huge change from what I am used to. Policies, procedures, red tape and only being responsible for A/R.

In all of my previous jobs I was responsible for all of it A/R, A/P, Payroll, HR, scheduling. As my dad always says “chief cook and bottle washer.” It is truly a step outside of my comfort zone.

The Post Concussive Symptoms aren’t diminishing like I hoped. Headaches, dizziness, nausea, thermoregulation issues, extreme exhaustion, vision issues., anxiety, memory issues, brain fog, sleep issues, either I can’t sleep, or I am so exhausted I can’t get out of my own way. All of these impact my daily life, as well as my work performance. On a daily basis I question my ability to do my job effectively, to supervise correctly, and to be part of the Accounting Team.

Last week I had a meltdown, I used to be able to remember everything, hell I still remember Keyes Electric’s bank account number. Now I have to write everything down, even the smallest detail so I can work effectively. I cried, actually sobbed for the loss of the person I used to be.

When that lady rear ended me and sent me flying and flipping, she took away the life I used to have. I am angry, sad, and frustrated. I want my life back, the life that was stolen from me, due to her negligence.

I refuse to throw myself a pity party, but a pity day every now and then seems to be in order. Between the loss of Connor, the loss of Steve, and this accident I feel like I have paid my dues. I am at my limit, I can’t handle anymore. Too much grief, sadness and life changes for 1 woman to handle.

The phrase “God only gives you what you can handle.” Well I am at my limit, I can’t handle anymore, my broad shoulders are tired and bowing a bit. The grief that hits out of nowhere, the realization that in November Connor will be gone 5 years, the Facebook Memories showing the last first day picture I took of him, with his precious car, and the expression that said “are you done yet, why do we have to do this Mom?”

I am grateful for these last set of pictures, grateful for all the memories of the fun times. But I am tired of all the emotions. In the words of Chris Young, “I gotta say, missing you comes in waves, and tonite I’m drowning.” I need the waves to calm down and not be 100 feet tall every 10 seconds, give me a chance to catch my breath in between.

PTSD..it’s an unpredictable BITCH!

by A Hole in My Heart💔💙

PTSD is a funny creature, just when you think that you have it under control. Something comes out of the blue to shake your world up and dispel you of that notion completely. We are never really in control, we may think we are, but it is an illusion, a fantasy if you will. We cling to that fantasy like a life raft, when in all reality we need to let it go, and understand that we are just along for the ride.

Last Wednesday I was running errands, minding my own business, checking things off my to-do list one by one. My monthly waxing appointment in Florence, pick up prescriptions at Walgreens, get Cat Litter for the picky babies, get my car inspected in Buckland then go back to Greenfield and have Sheila the Nail Goddess fix my nails.

So TRUE!!

As the phrase goes “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” I accomplished everything but the car inspection and getting my nails done. I was driving up Route 2, minding my own business, headed to Mohawk Repair so that Keith Alletson could inspect my car.

This sure feels like HELL🔥

As I approached the intersection of State Street (on my left). I began to turn, and that is when all hell broke loose.

I was rear ended by a car traveling at a high rate of speed. My car began to roll, I remember the first roll, but that’s it. The brain blocks out things that it doesn’t want us to remember. When I came to, my car was back on its wheels, there was a man in a yellow safety vest knocking on the windshield, all of the side curtain airbags had deployed, and there was glass everywhere.

I don’t think she will pass inspection now

I unlocked the door as he requested, and they scooted me out under the airbag, telling me that EMS was on their way. They carried me to the grass, and I asked them to call my husband. He came blowing up to the scene in less than 2 minutes.

If any of you know me personally, you know I don’t drive a vehicle or even ride in one without my sunglasses on. The force of this accident shot my sunglasses off my face, and my flip flops off my feet!

Sunglasses and Flip Flops..never leave home without them

EMS arrived, collared me, put me on a gurney and transported me to the hospital. Mark’s arm was all torn up from getting all my personal effects out of the car, and the kitty litter that I put in the back hatch, ended up in the backseat on the floor.

At Baystate Franklin I was Ultrasounded, and CAT Scanned from head to hip. I sustained a concussion, bruising and soft tissue injuries, scattered like an accident road map, up and down my body.

But worse than any of the physical injuries, I feel like emotionally I am back where I was when Connor died. All the hard work I have done to get to where I was on 7/28/2020 has been stripped away. In one swipe, by a careless driver, who wasn’t paying attention.

3 of us in happier times

The questions keep running through my head, questions that I don’t have any answers to, but they are on a repeat loop, nonetheless.

1. Why did I walk away from my accident and Connor didn’t walk away from his

2. Why didn’t we buy him a safer/newer car? One that had all the newest airbags and safety technology.

3. Was he riding with me (I always think he is) and did he save me and decide that it wasn’t time for me to come visit him yet?

4. I wish I had answers to these questions, but I also know that some questions just don’t get answers. Asking them is fruitless and painful.

My handsome Connor

What I do know is that physically my 2018 Nissan Rogue saved my life. My poor baby took the impact of the accident and crumpled like she was supposed to. Unfortunately there is no way for my brain to easily un-crumple after thatt accident. It will take time, hard work and therapy to put Humpty Dumpty’s pieces emotional pieces back together again.

Too much broken glass..too many shattered
pieces