It’s All Too Much

I know it has been a hot minute since I have posted. So I will update you on the changes in my life. I have a new job at All States Material Group, as the A/R Supervisor. It is a huge change from what I am used to. Policies, procedures, red tape and only being responsible for A/R.

In all of my previous jobs I was responsible for all of it A/R, A/P, Payroll, HR, scheduling. As my dad always says “chief cook and bottle washer.” It is truly a step outside of my comfort zone.

The Post Concussive Symptoms aren’t diminishing like I hoped. Headaches, dizziness, nausea, thermoregulation issues, extreme exhaustion, vision issues., anxiety, memory issues, brain fog, sleep issues, either I can’t sleep, or I am so exhausted I can’t get out of my own way. All of these impact my daily life, as well as my work performance. On a daily basis I question my ability to do my job effectively, to supervise correctly, and to be part of the Accounting Team.

Last week I had a meltdown, I used to be able to remember everything, hell I still remember Keyes Electric’s bank account number. Now I have to write everything down, even the smallest detail so I can work effectively. I cried, actually sobbed for the loss of the person I used to be.

When that lady rear ended me and sent me flying and flipping, she took away the life I used to have. I am angry, sad, and frustrated. I want my life back, the life that was stolen from me, due to her negligence.

I refuse to throw myself a pity party, but a pity day every now and then seems to be in order. Between the loss of Connor, the loss of Steve, and this accident I feel like I have paid my dues. I am at my limit, I can’t handle anymore. Too much grief, sadness and life changes for 1 woman to handle.

The phrase “God only gives you what you can handle.” Well I am at my limit, I can’t handle anymore, my broad shoulders are tired and bowing a bit. The grief that hits out of nowhere, the realization that in November Connor will be gone 5 years, the Facebook Memories showing the last first day picture I took of him, with his precious car, and the expression that said “are you done yet, why do we have to do this Mom?”

I am grateful for these last set of pictures, grateful for all the memories of the fun times. But I am tired of all the emotions. In the words of Chris Young, “I gotta say, missing you comes in waves, and tonite I’m drowning.” I need the waves to calm down and not be 100 feet tall every 10 seconds, give me a chance to catch my breath in between.

It Takes Time…

Just a little over 6 months ago my world was literally flipped upside down (4 times) and I haven’t been the same since. Anyone who thinks a concussion is just “getting your bell ring” should walk, or rather try to awkwardly balance in my shoes for a day.

4 weeks ago I went to a specialized TBI Clinic, and what I found out was eye opening, and a little earth shattering. My balance is severely impaired, I couldn’t stand on one foot if you paid me. If I was ever asked to do a field sobriety test..just take my license. I can’t walk heel toe no matter how hard I try😢

Kyle would tell you, Mom you were never the most coordinated person on the planet..remember BLEACHERS!! I can’t navigate them for the life of me, my family always wanted to sit way up high. I always stop about 3 rows up and park my ass right there!

Little by little my eyes are starting to track side to side better, up and down is still a crap shoot. My favorite hobby has always been reading, but for now that is out the window. It gives me an atrocious headache. The TBI Dr told me to take a piece of card stock and cut it so only 2-3 lines come through at a time. The problem is, I read a whole page at once and my brain removes all the unnecessary words, and, if, or, but, the, than, etc. Then if I need them I put a word back in.

I still can’t walk heel toe, nor can I multitask, I have to write everything down, and scatterbrained really doesn’t begin to describe me. I somehow misplaced my “Best Bonus Mom Ever” travel mug in the house yesterday 🤯

I have confidence that I will get better, maybe not 100%, but I will regain the things that are most important to me. As my Uncle Peter Whalen says..”I have faith that there is an ocean, because I have seen the Brook. 🌊🌊