It’s Mother’s Day and it’s raining (or actually snowing at my house in Western Mass). It is actually fitting for how I feel about Mother’s Day now. Mother’s Day used to be a day that I looked forward to, the boys (with help from Mark) would make me breakfast in bed.
Then they would go off and do whatever they wanted and let me do whatever I wanted to do. Whether it was relaxing and reading, one year we took a hike up the Ledges, one year it was nice enough to sit in the sun on the back deck. Regardless it was a day for me to just do what I wanted surrounded by my boys.
To say that things have drastically changed would be an understatement. With Connor gone there is a huge piece of my heart missing, Kyle has done a great job stepping up, last year it was lunch out, this year he made a surprise visit to join me in CT. He brought with him a Fuchsia plant for my mom and a GC for my to go sit in a Hot Tub at East Heaven❤️😊!
Wanting what you can’t have was a foreign concept to me before Connor died. If I wanted it, I worked hard, and attained it, now no matter how hard I work, wish and think. What I want I can’t have. What I want is Connor back, that headstone in Calvary Cemetery to not exist, the events of November 6, 2017 to not have happened. But I can’t have any of those things, instead I will cherish what I have.
A son that loves me, his girlfriend that makes him happy and that makes me happy. A husband that loves me, and I love him. Together we are weathering this grief storm as a strong couple, I have great friends that are there when I need them, whether it is a quick text, or a night out for munchies and drinks. My circle is full, tight and loving.
No matter how many other Grieving Moms you talk to, and how many books you read. Nothing prepares you for the days of deep despair and depression that grips you. The days that I miss Connor so much that everything makes me sad, everything reminds me of him, and the tragedy that changed our lives forever. When the accident happened this sorrow, despair and sadness was an everyday occurrence. I carried a box of Kleenex with me every where I went. I tried to just go to work, and then home. I was honestly afraid that if someone asked me how I was I would fall apart.
I soon learned that I couldn’t control my emotions like I used to. I used to be able to put on the happy face and run into Big Y and grab a head of lettuce. Make small talk with the people in the checkout and be on my way. Those days are long gone, now it is a production, can I put sunglasses on, are there cars in the parking lot I recognize, do I really need the butter, or can I just substitute the olive oil I have at home, why doesn’t Big Y have a damn drive thru?
I wish I could say that I was as strong as I looked, but recently I had to admit that the control I thought I had was as fragile as a spider web. Depression and the treatment for it isn’t dirty words, despite what Tom Cruise or his precious Scientology may believe. Depression is a byproduct of the sadness and grief that results from the loss of our children. It will take time, work and medication to get through this.
We aren’t quite halfway through 2019 and so far it has been a year of tremendous highs and crazy lows.
1. ⬆️ Mark and I went on a spectacular vacation to Jamaica. We met some amazing people, and plan to go back next year, at the same time to reconnect with many of them.
2. ⬇️ At the end of 2018 Mark’s dad died, although it was expected it is never easy. And in just after a year after the loss of Connor it was all to close.
3. ⬆️ We put Grampa’s house on the market and it sold much quicker than we expected.
4. ⬇️ That means that we are now in the process of cleaning out the house, that contains 20 years of memories. Of both my in laws as well as my boys.
5. ⬆️ Jordan chose to go to prom this year after sitting last years out. We spent months dress shopping. Okay only all of February but it felt like longer, to find her the perfect dress.
6. ⬇️ Jordan had an accident on the way home from school and totaled her car. She is ok, just bruised and a tiny bit broken, but she will be ok. She scared the daylights out of me, but that’s what children do to parents.
7. ↕️ This is both, tonight Jordan went to prom, looking absolutely gorgeous. All that was missing was Connor. But no amount of wishing, and hoping will change that. She and Riley looked lovely together, and I am so proud of the strong and brave young woman she is.
The first 4 months of this year has been a rollercoaster of emotions. Ups and downs, twists and turns. But I am proud of us, we have weathered this craziness and come out of it not a lot worse for the wear. We may be a little tattered and frayed around the edges, but maybe that gives us extra character. Or maybe I am just trying to rationalize how we survived this. What I do know is we have learn how to turn the sails to catch the wind and keep going.
It’s been a while since I sat down to write, and in that time quite a bit has happened. Mark and I spent a week in Jamaica, one of those days was Connor’s Birthday and that was on purpose.
It is just to hard for me to be here on March 15th, when he is not. There are days in this horrible life changing mess that I am sure will stay with me forever. The first is the day of the accident 11/6/17, then the fateful day we turned off the machines 11/17/17, and finally Connor’s Birthday 3/15/2000.
I have hope that someday in the distant future the 6th and the 17th of November won’t send me hiding for my covers, a bottle of wine and the biggest box of Kleenex that they make. But I am pretty confident that those days are a long time coming.
Tuesday Jordan totaled her car, she scared the daylights out of all of us. She just has a broken wrist and some pretty bad bruises but she will be fine. But there is no worse feeling than having your heart in your throat and the thought that you are going down that awful rabbit hole of grief all over again.
I am so proud of the young lady that she has grown into. She is so strong and brave, yet with poise and grace. I am proud to claim her as the daughter that he sent me.
When she goes to prom next Friday night, and she gets all dressed up, looking like a princess. It will take a lot to hold back my tears. Yet the ones that do fall will be mixed with both joy and sadness, and I know that Connor will be right beside me whispering “she looks gorgeous mom, give her a kiss for me.”💋💋
It’s not real, it really isn’t. I was driving in the car today, on the way home from getting my nails done and it hit me. Connor would be 19 tomorrow. 19 years ago I was walking the halls of Cooley Dickinson trying like hell to have him. Pacing back and forth, with that damn IV pole, just trying to get him to move along, to bring him into this world. To move time along and get on with meeting him, raising him and loving him.
Now what I wouldn’t do to turn the clock backwards, to make it run in reverse.. for just a little bit. Just to spend a little more time with him. Oh who am I kidding? I want years and years of more time with him. To get all the things that I was promised, his wedding, the grandchildren that he promised me and maybe if I was to live long enough even great grandchildren.
That is what I am most bitter about, the future that I was promised, being denied. I have learned that tomorrow is never promised, so please cherish your loved ones. All of them, even if you are mad at them at this moment. Because someday you may be in my shoes wishing and hoping that you have the time you were promised.
Having children is nothing short of allowing your heart to walk around outside of your body unchecked. Be prepared for the anguish that it brings. It comes hand in hand with the overwhelming love of parenthood. But no one tells you about all the skinned knees that you will kiss, and then the broken bones, that can be casted, and the broken hearts that you can’t do anything about. You can listen to them cry, when someone breaks their heart, offer the usual platitudes “that they are young, that there are more fish in the sea, that the person doesn’t know what they are giving up, etc, etc.” But short of keeping them in a bubble there isn’t much you can do, they need to learn, have the life experiences and figure it out on their own.
There is nothing more painful than losing a child, regardless of how or when. Whether your child is “born sleeping”, and you never really got to know them, or they died as a teenager. Those are vastly different scenarios, but the pain and the grief isn’t any different. You grieve what you don’t have, what you didn’t experience, what you are missing in all it’s connotations.
I am trying my damndest to not let my grief consume me this month. That is easier said than done. March is the month of Connor’s Birthday. March 15th to be exact. But his original due date was March 1st, so Friday was a day that I just couldn’t do much. I just kept thinking, this was the date you were originally supposed to be here. But you were so stubborn that you came in your own time, being induced, because I wasn’t sure you would ever come.
All the memories and knowledge just keep flooding my mind. He would be 19 this year. I would have a 22 year old and a 19 year old. 2 boys that would hold my heart for eternity.
He would be reminding me that
- Sloppy Joes are his favorite birthday meal
- But maybe this year he would want Tacos
- With the Guacamole that only he can make (I have been unable to recreate it)
- He would complain that his Limeade was just plain, no Tequila to make it a Margarita, because he is still to young.
- He would insist that Jordan be there. And of course I would never exclude her.
- He would remind me at least 10 times NO CAKE!
- He despised cake. In all forms. No cake, cupcakes. Nothing
- He loved Ice Cream. A half gallon of Friendly’s Black Raspberry Ice Cream and he was happy.
- He would want some kind of electronics for his birthday.
- He would be reminding me that he was grown up, even though he is still my baby.
. Most of all he would be the center of attention and loving every minute of it.❤️❤️
Mark and I went to the Camping and RV Show at The Big E Fairgrounds today. There was everything there, from pop-up campers to $250,000 Diesel Pusher Motorhomes and everything in between. We walked up and down the aisles, climbing in and out of ones that interested us. Or ones that were just exciting, and maybe a little different, a color scheme we hadn’t seen before or a different layout.
We quickly ruled out the pop-ups (I need a bathroom), as well as the triangle shaped hybrid travel trailer/pop-up campers. They are way too claustrophobic in my mind.
From the time I met Mark, camping (in a trailer) has been a part of our life. Our summer vacations were spent at the beach, that didn’t change when Kyle and Connor came along. They just became campers too, riding there bikes all over the campground, crabbing with Mark, boogie boarding in the waves, toasting marshmallows in the campfire and staying up way past their bedtimes.
While walking in and out of those trailers today, I swore I could hear him in my ear “Mom, this one isn’t big enough, it doesn’t have bunks. Where are Jordan and I going to sleep? We like the beach too you know!!” More than once I turned around, he wasn’t there, there was no one there, but yet I know what I heard. There will never be a time that I don’t think he is with me, a time that I won’t carry him with me.
Today is 15 months, 15 months since I made the decision that no Mom should ever make. The decision to let him go, because he would never be My Connor again. My silly, crazy, sarcastic, loving young man. It doesn’t mean that a day goes by that I don’t think about him, or miss him.