Marching On

Today marks 4 years from the day that Connor had his accident. A day that flipped my world on its head and spun it like a tilt-a-whirl. The words “Your son has been in an accident, he is in imaging and by the time you get here he will be in a room”. Are imbedded in my brain for eternity. In all reality it was hours before they stabilized him, and we could see him.

This post will have some memories and reactions of people that walked through this hurricane with me. Jordan Hurlbert is first. She was Connor’s world, the amazing girlfriend that stayed with us at the hospital.

As we start the month of November, today, November 6th to be exact. I feel scatterbrained and emotionally exhausted. 4 years ago today, my life (as many others) changed drastically. I’m a pretty simple person, as I am pretty private about my life as well, especially on social media, but every year on November 6th I feel as if to keep me from crying and feeling emotional for the day I can write a message and only hope Connor can see.

The words of Jordan Hurlbert::

4 years ago today I rushed to Baystate hospital in Springfield with my parents to meet Mark and Tammie after hearing second hand that Connor had been in a terrible car accident. When we arrived I was trying so hard to keep my emotions sustained and not become a puddle of tears, I was praying for the best but preparing for the worst. All I wanted to do was see Connor, When Mark grabbed my hand and brought me through the set of double doors he looked at me and said “he’s still our Connor he just looks a little different right now, he has some swelling and bruising, he can’t talk but he can hear you” those words are imbedded in my head. I don’t think I ever really give thanks enough to both Mark and Tammie as well as both my mother and father for how strong they were for me. When I walked into Connor’s room, Tammie was sitting there in a chair next to the bed, I looked at Connor laying in the bed, connected to tubes and machines, I burst into tears. For the next 11 days I sat with Connor, Mark and Tammie in that small room that only seemed to get smaller with every passing day.. I slept in the chair next to his hospital bed praying for a miracle. I remember my eyes burning, knots in my stomach, just trying so hard to fight back tears because I just wanted to be strong for Mark and Tammie, and Connor too. However after 11 days of hoping and praying, on November 17th Tammie held me so tightly and told me Connor would not be waking up, there was too much damage done to his brain. I can’t explain how fast my heart dropped to my stomach. I don’t think I have ever felt so broken and hurt in my life. For weeks after connors passing I felt numb, so numb that I had no more tears to cry, for so long I blamed myself, I thought things like well maybe if I hadn’t asked him to come over that night or maybe if I would have called him. All things that you just don’t know the answer or outcome of.
Somewhere in my heart I know for a fact that god has a greater plan for all of us, even if we can’t see it right now, it’s taken me a while to understand that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, I am a firm believer in that. Although we may not know why right now, we may not understand why such terrible and tragic things happen to such amazing people, I truly know in my heart that there is a reason and god has a greater plan, even when it’s hard to understand. I can not explain how many times I have cried and asked god why, but in my heart I know there is something greater.

For those of you who know me, you know that the last 4 years have been tough, dealing with something that traumatic as a sophomore in high school, at such a young age was extremely hard. But I am not the only one who has lost someone special and I think something that I have learned in the last 4 years is grief is one of those things that doesn’t go away, it’s always there and it never gets easier, but it gets more manageable I guess would be the best way to describe it. I can honestly say that from the state of mind I was in 4 years ago to where I am today is something crazy! I can’t thank my amazing support group I have enough, for the first time in a very long time, I am happy, like genuinely happy, & to all my friends, family and important people in my life, thank you! & I mean that from the bottom of my heart, thank you for helping me better myself everyday and putting a smile on my face, & helping me enjoy this crazy ride called life! ❤️ I know that Connor is up there looking down over us all and I know that he would want nothing more than for me to be happy, continue to live my life and surround myself with people who make me happiest. & I feel like I don’t say thank you enough to Dakota for making me so happy and feel special. It has been a long time of wearing a painted on smile and trying to be happy, but since I met you, this smile is as real as it gets, and I don’t have to try to be happy, because I genuinely am. So thank you❤️ because I’m so incredibly grateful for you!

If you have read this far, thank you. I’m not one for long posts, but today is a little rough for me, and I feel like the least I can do is write down my thoughts once a year on this day, leave some Natty Lite at Connor’s grave stone and only hope he gets to read one & drink the other💙

Love You Forever n Always Connor Powers

This is one remarkable young lady. She spoke at Connor’s funeral, when all I could do was sit in the church and cry. She has no idea how strong she is. Weathering this type of storm, for a young lady her age hasn’t been easy, but she has done it.

We will always consider a member of our family. She is the daughter that Connor sent me and I couldn’t be prouder of her. I know that he is proud of all of us, and super proud of Jordan for following her heart❤️

4 thoughts on “Marching On

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