Right from day 1 if you asked me how I was, or how Connor was (when we were still in the PICU.) I told you, I didn’t sugar coat it, I wasn’t rude, but I didn’t give anyone any false hope. I would tell you, “today is a good day, or we are stable, or today is a bad day and I am worried.”
Once our lives no longer revolved around the PICU and we were back home. I maintained my stoic attitude on the outside. On the inside I was crumbling, arranging a wake and funeral for Connor just about broke me. It made it so real, having to go to the Church and figure out where he would be buried brought a flood of tears when I didn’t think I had anymore.
If you ask me how I am I will tell you, “I’m having a rough day, and I don’t know why, or I have been crying for 2 days straight and I haven’t bothered to put makeup on.” On my good days I will tell you about those too “today is good, I’m hanging in there and I’m doing good.”
I learned early on if I wasn’t honest with people I wouldn’t get the support I needed, and there was no way I could go through this alone. By telling everyone I was fine I would be pushing them farther away and that was not something I wanted.
My dear friends have been the best of all worlds, holding me while I cried, giving me the space I need, keeping me busy, yet not crowding me. They truly are the flowers that grow in my garden of life, and I could not do this without them❤️💐.