Therapy is never easy, it always tugs at my heart and drags things to the surface that I would prefer stay buried. Today was a particularly rough session. I know intellectually that I made the right decision to remove the tubes and let Connor go. But intellectually and what my heart feels are 2 completely different things. My heart still isn’t reconciled to that fact, my heart still thinks that I failed Connor. That by not holding on for longer, by not fighting even harder for him, I took the easy way out.
I know that nothing about this was easy, it was heart wrenching and miserable. It was the decision that no parent should have to make. That is what I believe makes me question everything. To lose a child is a pain that never goes away, to be the one that made the decision to let your child go is a whole different kind of pain. As a Mom, you carry a child for 9 months and then nurture, love and raise them after that. It isn’t natural to end that nurturing by choice. Although this wasn’t a choice, it was a decision led by medical know how, second and third opinions and the knowledge that Connor would never be him again. Even having all that knowledge, doesn’t make my heart feel any better, it doesn’t soothe my wounded soul. As odd or crazy as it sounds it can make my heart and soul feel even more shattered, it pulls them in opposite directions, between the knowing and the what if.
Nothing about losing a child is easy, it doesn’t get easier after almost 10 months. I don’t know if after 10 years that will change, what I do know is that my heart n soul cry out for Connor on a daily basis, I try to answer them the best I can, but I never knew I had so many tears to cry😢