Kids

Broken Hearts Don’t Heal

by A Hole in My Heart💔💙

While at camp today someone commented on my Connor/Baseball tattoo, and wanted the story on it. I opened my mouth to speak, and with the words came tears. I realize that I have been bottling it up for months.

Once the tears start it is hard to get them to stop, and along with them comes the hard reality. The reality that no matter how much I cry and whine about it. HE IS NEVER COMING BACK.

I have an awful habit of not letting people in, I don’t want to burden others with my grief. But as I stood there explaining the story, with the big fat ugly tears running down my face. I realized that not sharing it makes the pain fester

There will never be a day in the future that I won’t miss him, and wish that things were different. It is unnatural to bury a child. There name and dates should never be on a headstone before yours. No matter how pretty the headstone is.

As I’m typing this, sitting in a comfy chair at the pavilion. I’m hoping that too many people can’t hear me sniffle, or the tears running down my face. Unlike earlier today they aren’t big ugly fat tears. But just tiny rivulets of pain streaming down my face.

Sometimes letting people in, and sharing my pain and grief with them isn’t such a bad thing. It temporally unburdens my heart, and makes me realize that I’m not alone. Now if I wasn’t so stubborn and did it more often, maybe the scabs on my heart wud get a chance to form. This is a hurt that will never heal, but maybe I cud get it to abate a little.

End of an Era

by A Hole in My Heart💔💙

   

image

 
     For what has felt like most of my parenting life I have been involved in Colrain Cal Ripken Baseball. Kyle started playing when he was in 3rd grade, he honestly played because all of his friends played, not because he loved the game. Connor tagged along to practice with him and instantly fell in love with the game. He practiced with Kyle’s team even though he was way to little to play.
     The first year Kyle played, Mark was a “helping coach”. From then on he was an actual rostered coach. It soon became known that I knew how to keep score, a highly prized ability. After that the book was mine, along with everything that came along with it. Keeping the crew of kids under control, let me tell you, its like herding cats. 14 little boys and girls under 10, all excited to play a position, or swing the bat. But someone needs to make sure they wear helmets and don’t swing the bat near each other. Someone needs to make sure they get to their field position and that they don’t bat out of order.

image

     Very shortly I learned to carry a bag of tricks with me. It was soon nicknamed my “Mary Poppins Bag”, it had my score book, pencils, a pencil sharpener, erasers, snacks, drinks, an umbrella, a piece of plastic to keep my score book dry. It truly was a never ending bag of stuff.
     As both boys progressed through the age ranks, I continued to keep score. Connor played Summer Competitive Tournament Ball for 3 years. That bag went with me. Kyle graduated from elementary school and chose to play Golf in Middle School. Mark and I took over the league. I still kept score and carted the “Mary Poppins Bag” around.

image

     Finally in 2012 Connor graduated from Elementary School, he continued playing baseball in Middle School.  We have spent 2 years trying to find someone to take over the league…with no luck.
     Finally this year we have found wonderful people to take our place. Tasha and Ray. They love the game as much as we do, and have young kids, and I can pass my “Mary Poppins Bag” to someone who will need it, and put it to good use. It is the end of an era, I am both sad and happy to see it go.

image