On Monday Seniors signed out of FCTS, and I cried, rephrase that, I bawled. Connor should have been one of those Seniors, he should have been driving down the Boulevard in the line of traffic, with his radio blaring and his car full of everything that he had accumulated all year long.
Instead he is GONE, gone in a way that I still can’t comprehend, a way that makes my heart ache and burn, and the tears roll down my cheeks like I am an open faucet.
I am trying to steel my heart and my brain for awards night and graduation. A task that is anything but easy. There will be an obviously empty chair where he should be, an empty space that nothing can fill.
There is nothing that can fix my broken heart, or return Connor to this world. I know that in the depths of my soul, but knowing it and liking it are two different things.
All I can do is go on, one step at a time, have some much needed time with friends that know when I need to talk, and cry and laugh. Sometimes simultaneously. There is no rule book for this, what I have learned is this. I am stronger than I think, but I don’t have to be strong all the time, and I have wonderful friends to hold me up when I think I can’t stand anymore.