Gone

On Monday Seniors signed out of FCTS, and I cried, rephrase that, I bawled. Connor should have been one of those Seniors, he should have been driving down the Boulevard in the line of traffic, with his radio blaring and his car full of everything that he had accumulated all year long.

Instead he is GONE, gone in a way that I still can’t comprehend, a way that makes my heart ache and burn, and the tears roll down my cheeks like I am an open faucet.

I am trying to steel my heart and my brain for awards night and graduation. A task that is anything but easy. There will be an obviously empty chair where he should be, an empty space that nothing can fill.

There is nothing that can fix my broken heart, or return Connor to this world. I know that in the depths of my soul, but knowing it and liking it are two different things.

All I can do is go on, one step at a time, have some much needed time with friends that know when I need to talk, and cry and laugh. Sometimes simultaneously. There is no rule book for this, what I have learned is this. I am stronger than I think, but I don’t have to be strong all the time, and I have wonderful friends to hold me up when I think I can’t stand anymore.

4 thoughts on “Gone

  1. I Remember Awards night and graduation with a huge lump in my throat… so pain filled but necessary.. you go and remember this is still Connor’s graduation.. he has graduated only to a place which is higher and more divine than we can even imagine. He will be there too mom … resting his head on your shoulder giving you love and amazing strength to consume ever bit of this graduation. Praying for you .

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My heart aches for what you’re experiencing during this time of the Seniors’ celebrating. I’m filled with mixed emotions being the parent of a graduate and classmate that was friends with Connor and a fellow FCTS parent.
    You have a wonderful support team of friends, family and school parents. All here to lift you up.
    You got this!

    With love,
    Tracey

    Like

  3. That was beautiful, Tammie. I feel every bit of your heartbreak and loss, and wish that there was something I could say or do that would help. We both know that there is not. I know that you will miss Connor with every breath you take. He is with you, not physically, but he is there. Prayers for you, my friend.

    Like

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