Birthday Cake to the Moon

I can do the impossible, because I have been through the unimaginable. That has become my mantra. I gave been through hell, and am still in it. Therefore there is nothing else you can throw at me that I can’t handle. I say that with a slight trepidation, because I don’t want to tempt fate. I don’t want the higher power to decide to throw the kitchen sink of awfulness at me.

My most recent dream I am pretty sure came dredging out of my subconscious. Connors Birthday is approaching, and I am not looking forward to it. I have always said he shares his birthday with the day Corporate Taxes are due. Fitting for an Accountant. March 15th can’t come quick enough, or slow enough for that matter this year. I just don’t want the day to occur. It is the next reminder that he is not here to celebrate. To turn 18 with me, to be able to buy a scratch ticket, a standard lottery ticket. As well as be able to tell me for the 15th year in a row “Mom I don’t like cake!! Don’t u remember that? Just get me a half gallon of Black Raspberry Ice Cream and I’m good!, But I love you for wanting to make me cake!”

My most recent dream had Connor in all his personality, all his glory. He had Brad (Jordan’s Dad) with him too. He brought me a plant. A big Boston Fern, and he had it on his head so it made him look like he had Rasta Hair. He also brought a Chocolate Cake with Chocolate Frosting. When I tried to offer him a piece. He laughed and said. The cake is for you, remember I don’t like cake Mom. He gave me a big hug, a kiss laughed again and poof he was gone๐Ÿ’จ.

I woke up both happy and sad, missing him and loving him all at the same time. Knowing instinctively that this dream was my subconscious rearing its head about stuff I can’t control.

But hoping that it was Connor sending me a sign that he is ok. That he wants me to know that, and wants me to try and heal and be a little happy. Maybe it was a little bit of both. In either case, March 15th will come and there will be cake, if only to remind me that he won’t eat it, but he would take a piece just cause he loves me, and I love him, to the moon and back forever and ever!!๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™

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