Just when you think that you are rolling along and things are going well, or as well as they can be in your “new normal”. Then you have to go pick up an innocuous piece of paper that rocks your world. This innocuous little piece of paper puts your pain in black and white, gives it nowhere to hide. Within minutes of walking to the car with this piece of paper folded in my hand the tears were streaming down my cheeks uncontrollably. I spent 10 minutes in the car with a tissue pressed to my eyes trying to sop up the tears. Great huge sobs wracking my body, it is times like this I am glad I live in a small town. So no one could witness my meltdown in the Town Office parking lot. I had held it together in the Town Office, chatting with Paula and Colleen, playing with Paula’s dog Olive and generally being a put together adult. That all changed when I had THIS piece of paper in the car. This paper that had to be sent to the SSA. Connor’s death certificate, making it perfectly clear that he was never coming back, ever.
Not that I really believed he was coming back, I just didn’t want to believe that he was really gone, forever and always. It is too hard to accept that reality, accept that no matter how bad I wanted it, or wished for it or hoped for it.
Then the next wave hit me, when I do everyone’s taxes this weekend (mine & Marks, Kyle’s, My Father in-Laws and of course Connor’s). Connor’s will have a finality to it, the little button you click that says ☑️ This taxpayer is deceased and this is final return.😢
I don’t think any of us ever get to the point where we are ok or at ease with the death of a loved one, and especially the death of your child. There are always things that will drag us back to the hell of the grief, the pits of the despair. My hope is that the times between the pits and the hell will become longer. I won’t have as many days where I hide in the car wracked with sobs, glad that no one sees me. That will come with time, for now I am happy for the great memories, his great friends, and my amazing friends and family. Together we will all get through this, weather these storms and come out the other side. Embracing this new normal and learning to live in this world without him, but with all the memories he left me instead.