Yesterday I was managing to slog through my day. Going about my day and honestly wondering why I was such an emotional train wreck. It didn’t hit me until I began to write out a deposit slip 2/6/18… bam it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks.💥💣. It was 3 months from the accident, the tears started to roll down my cheeks, luckily Rachel had run home to get lunch, so I could cry like a fool all by myself😢😢😫.
At the end of the day I went to my weekly therapy appointment, giving up any pretense of holding it together. I walked in the door with my cup of tea and instantly the tears began to roll. “How long is it gonna hurt like this, is my heart always going to feel like it has been bludgeoned and abused.” In her infinite wisdom my therapist calmly spoke “You are only 3 months into this lifelong journey, it will change and evolve as time moves on. You will always miss him, but in time the pain won’t be so sharp and intense.”
As I poured my heart out and wiped my tears, over and over I began to understand that as much as I hurt today, it wasn’t as much as I did that awful day in the PICU Waiting Room. The pain is still there, lurking and hiding, waiting to ambush me when I least expect it. I don’t think that those ambushes will stop anytime soon. I just need to learn to live with them.
“Life is a beach, you just have to learn to ride the waves.”🏝⛱🏖 Says the wine glass that I got for Christmas, those waves can either be calm or overwhelmingly wild and choppy. Like trying to surf in a hurricane.
Today I woke up to snow, and the painful thought that on Snow Days before Connor could drive himself everywhere. We would stay home, have breakfast (eggs or waffles with bacon and coffee or hot cocoa). Those times will never be recreated again, no more snuggling and trying to convince them to go back to sleep because there was no school. No more bundling them up like Michelin men so they could go outside and sled, or make snowmen, or throw snow balls at the dog.
I eventually got up, made some breakfast and found a project to occupy me. I made a collage of “Connor Pics” for the front of my wall hanging jewelry box. Then made a wall hanging collage of “Kyle Pics”.
The last 2 days have been full of choppy seas, surfing in a hurricane is not something I am good at. But I am learning to stand on the board, hold on tight and in the words of Jimmy Buffett ….” I ain’t afraid of dyin’, I got no need to explain. I feel like goin’ surfing in a hurricane“