I came to the conclusion yesterday that I need to invest in some good Waterproof Eyeliner. I get dressed in the morning, do my hair, put my makeup on and look fairly presentable (most days). Some days are a challenge, I go from presentable to streaked makeup and puffy eyes in the blink of an eye. Those are the days that I wish my emotions had an on/off switch, or at least a “don’t blubber in public switch”. Unfortunately we as moms and especially Grieving Moms don’t have that function installed, or even an option in the beginning.
Someday I am confident I will be able to get through a day without looking like a reject from a bad horror flick. That day is not now, probably not tomorrow, but in the future it is there. I have support from friends, family, co-workers, amazing support from people that check in on me, but they don’t crowd me or make me feel uncomfortable. Those are the best type of people to have in your life. They instinctively know what I need and how to get it to me.
That is what I’m most grateful for, the friends that have and will continue to hold me up when my body and my heart won’t do the job. I talked to a family friend who lost a son 37 years ago at just 2 years old. She gave me some very important words of wisdom yesterday. “You will be happy again, I promise you. Winter is the worst time in New England, when spring comes and things aren’t so barren, you will find things to make you smile.” But her most important words were this “It is too big of a burden to put your happiness on the shoulders on a 17 year old.” That rang true to me, Connor can’t be responsible for our happiness, he will always be part of it, but not the sole reason.
I am looking forward to the days where every little thing doesn’t make me cry. But until then I am right here in the trenches. Digging out, just like a New England winter, knowing it takes time, work and patience to get there.