Anyone that I have talked to that has lost anyone will unequivocally state that “The Firsts” are the worst. I wholeheartedly agree. The missing plates, presents and normal traditions have got to be the worst. Trying to create new traditions may be the key, but it doesn’t fix what was lost. The person that you loved is gone, there is a huge hole where they used to be. In my heart there is an enormous cavern marked “Connor”. It is now just full of pain, occasionally there is some happy memories that make there way into the dark place. But right now it is a soul sucking black hole.
I have made it through 3 Firsts, using the phrase “made it” is optimistic, but I am still breathing so I made it. Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. None were like years past, but we muddled through. The changes we made don’t fix the hurt or the pain, but they make the day go by, they got me through, but no one said it was pretty.
Next on the horizon is New Years Eve, Kyle’s Birthday, My Birthday and then….Connor’s Birthday. I was looking forward to him turning 18, now I dread it with all my heart and soul. I want to turn back time, and make the wheel stop spinning. Stop so I can go back and make the accident not happen. Then none of these feelings would be necessary and I wouldn’t have to feel like this.
The feeling that someone took off a limb, or hacked out a vital organ. Like a part of me just isn’t functioning anymore. Or maybe it is the feeling that I am slogging through waist deep mud, constantly exhausted from all the emotions that I just can’t control. I told Brad (Jordan’s dad) the other night that I’m more emotional at night cuz I’m tired. He said “if you want to lie to yourself and say it’s cuz you are tired go for it, but the fucking truth is we just miss him, we all do!” He is right, tired, awake, asleep it doesn’t change the fact that I miss him, and having to slog through each and every one of these firsts just suck.