Broken

  This one will NOT be shared
to Facebook, so unless you follow my Blog you don’t get this one.  This entry is highly personal and emotionally charged.  When all is said and done the whole mess makes me miss my Grampie so much.  I wish he could have met Mark and Kyle and Connor.  I would like to think that he would have been proud of the woman that I have become, because he was proud of the teenager I was when he left this world in 1984.i

   I have spent the better part of tonight thinking about this and how to rectify me feelings and finally have come to this.  I have entitled this Dad because I want you to show it to him, whether on the screen or whether you print it out for him. 

     Nothing that Jama did in her will can change the way that I feel about her.  That emotion is anger and betrayal.  She made me truly understand that she took her feelings of favoritism to the grave.  She made those feelings apparent in her life and they have carried on in her death.  Nothing I did was ever good enough, or maybe it was too good.  I was never thin enough, or pretty enough, or my hair was too dark, or I was too educated or too opinionated.  There was always a reason.  I finally stopped fighting and trying so hard,  and after Grampie died I stopped trying at all.  I was never gonna be the person she wanted so why even bother.  

     I would like to say that my skin was thick enough that her barbs didn’t matter, but that would be a lie, all I ever wanted was to be loved by her and no matter how hard I tried it just never worked. 

     I always thought that Tim was the most like her but I think in the end it was John.  Doing her bidding, ripping what was left of the Whalen family apart at the seams, until all that remains is threads.  

     Feeling sorry for myself, because I didn’t get what I wanted won’t solve anything.  But what makes me mad is knowing that Dad was emotionally hurt by his own brother.  That he was left with nothing as well,  just so John could say he took everything.  Greed is a powerful thing,  and John used it as his tool,  the wrong kind,  like a petulant child.  If blood is thicker than water than I am not sure what John has in his veins.  He is a cold hearted son of a bitch.  All I can hope for is that Karma truly will get him eventually.  The small knowledge that Grampie would not be happy with the outcome of this entire mess and that hopefully John has ostracized himself from the rest of his brothers. 

Love,

Tammer

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