My Old Life Back

I want my old life back, the one that I had planned. The one full of happy moments. The one full of celebrated birthdays without tears, and holidays without the missing chairs. The one without the “STUGS” that catch me at the worst moments. Like sitting in the doctors waiting room this morning, and the CNA calls out the name “Connor”, my heart drops and my eyes get watery all of a sudden.

I want the life with Connor working hard and buying that damn noisy truck. With him and Jordan going on long drives to nowhere that I could track with his Ez-Pass. With him getting lost (because he had a terrible sense of direction) and having to wake her up to figure out where they were.

I want the life with him clunking in the house with his noisy half tied chips, and big voice. Always giving me shit about something, but always being my baby no matter how old he was.

Not the life where to see Connor means I have to go visit a big slab of black granite at Calvary Cemetery. That slab of granite can’t talk to me, can’t interact with me. It doesn’t make the half tied chips noise. And it sure doesn’t scold me when I cry, and I certainly do cry when I’m there.

This unplanned life really sucks, it is not what I had in mind. The grief that overwhelms me just when I think I have it under control. The intense pain in my chest, for no apparent reason other than my heart is broken. Broken in a way that people who haven’t lost a child don’t understand. I miss you, there is no way to explain it, your laugh, your smart ass comments, your alarm clock that you could sleep through, and that went off even when you slept at Jordan’s. I miss every part of you, until the day that I die. #3Connorstrongforever⚾️❤️💙🦅⚾️💙

4 thoughts on “My Old Life Back

  1. & I miss you, the old you. The unbroken woman who could sense out of no where if I was having a bad day and shoot me a message encouraging me to go on. I miss my biggest cheerleader. Who, I could tell anything to, who would call me on my bullshit.

    I know phsically you’re there, but I try not to cry on your shoulder as much as I used to. I feel like shit now if I do. So yeah. Connors loss has in someway created broken links thru out your entire chain of friends, associates, family and friends close enough that are your family. I know my heart aches for you every time you cross my mind. I miss the times before Connor had to leave. I miss that you.
    I love you. I dont for a second think your pain will ever go away. I just pray for your happy days. That you remember them always, so they will hopefully carry you thru. Hugs. Lora Xx

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    1. Please don’t for a second worry about crying on my shoulder. In many ways it helps me, allows me to focus on helping and fixing others.
      I know that I can’t be fixed, that in some ways I am permanently broken, that the pain that I feel is beyond the comprehension to most. I hate to whine and cry, because there are many that do have it worst than me.
      And I agree, it has created broken chains amongst my many of my friends and family. Many don’t know how to relate anymore, some treat me like a delicate piece of glass and others like I have a communicable disease.
      I want all of that to go away, so that the old me can come back. So I can be carefree, and relaxed and dare I say fun🎊🤦‍♀️❤️

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