Yesterday was it, the day of the fateful accident. My day that forever will live in infamy. I can tell you exactly where I was, how I reacted, and how we got to Baystate in Springfield. Once we got there, it was a game of hurry up and wait. Then the “Team” came to talk to us and in less than 30 words my world imploded.
“His prognosis is grim, but we will do everything we can do”… Those words will haunt me forever, no matter what they did, my baby was too badly damaged and in the end we had to let him go. It was the right thing, the kindest thing and the thing that was best for everyone. That doesn’t mean that it hurts any less, because it doesn’t.
But what I have learned since this time last year is:
1. I have had more better days as time has gone by.
2. This time last year I was convinced that medical intervention would save him.
3. When that failed, I sunk into a hole, so deep I wasn’t sure I was ever coming out.
4. The grief and sadness overcame every part of me.
5. Tears became my constant companion, I went months without makeup because it was washed away by tears.
6. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss him, or wish he was here with me.
8. I am able to talk about Connor without breaking out in full fledged sobs on most days.
I think of all of these as positives, I still grieve and cry and at times I still howl and scream. But one year ago I never thought I could ever go on. I am strong because I didn’t think had no choice, but to be honest I did have a choice. I could have stayed in that hole, cried, stayed in bed, not gone back to work, not showered, and drank myself into oblivion. I did none of those things because they wouldn’t bring Connor back, they would make me sadder, drunker, and stinkier. But they wouldn’t fix anything.
I’ve always been a fixer, the sad truth is I couldn’t fix this. I couldn’t stop the car, I couldn’t make the head injuries go away, and I couldn’t save him. But I can save myself, and that is the most important thing right now. I have to put me first, because I can’t pour from an empty cup to help anyone else.