I can’t express how done I am. The pain in my right shoulder has become excruciating, doing simple things, like pulling my pants up, putting on a sweater, or reaching for something sends shooting and burning pain down my arm.

I have been playing phone tag with my PCP and an Ortho Group in Northampton. Today, while at the end of my rope, I called the Ortho group to find out what the hold up was on making an appointment. I refused to get off the phone until I got an answer, the answer I got was that their practice couldn’t help me, but at least it was an answer. Within a half an hour I had an appointment with another ortho group for tomorrow.

I tried the PCP office to get some pain relief, finally a call back yielded a prescription called into my pharmacy. But when I went to pick it up, they couldn’t fill it. Due to my insurance, they now require a prior authorization for a medication I have had before. I tried to call my insurance company, but due to the holiday (Columbus Day). Their phone lines are shut off.

After all of that, I sat in the car, with the music on loud and cried, big ugly tears running down my face, taking all my makeup with it. I cried for many reasons:

1. I will have to suffer through this pain for at least another night.

2. I am so frustrated with our Health Care System. We have gone from over medicating and causing this opioid issue, to not medicating at all, which solves nothing.

3. Health insurance companies making decisions doctors should make!!!

4. The pain in my heart, has now moved to my body parts and everything hurts.

I don’t want everything in my life to revolve around the loss of Connor, but as I get closer to the year anniversary. Everything is a trigger, the pain in my shoulder, the fact I can’t find an ingredient to go in my breakfast smoothie. The littlest thing sends me into huge racking sobs.

I hope that as time goes on it won’t always be like this, but all I can do it wade through the grief and take it one day, hour and minute at a time. Knowing that I will have to learn to live without him. I will never forget him, you never forget the ones you love, and you never forget your children. I just want to learn to live without the terrible pain, and replace it with all the love I have for him instead.