This week Kenny Chesney (one of my favorite artists) released a new CD called “Songs for the Saints.” With all proceeds to be donated to those in the Islands devastated by Hurricane Irma. One of the songs that I have played over and over has a meaning to me that has nothing to do with the hurricane. “Build a Better Boat”, speaks to my heart and soul.
I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain’t workin’, what’s still hurtin’
All the things I feel like cussin’ out
Now and then I let it go, I ride the waves I can’t control
I’m learnin’ how to build a better boat
My heart was was feeling bruised and broken this week, and these lyrics really spoke to me. I am learning to breathe in and out, focus on the peace that I can bring me. Call my friends that have stood by me throughout this journey. Their promises that they would be here are not empty. They truly are here, through the good, bad and ugly, they have listened to me cry and held my hand through all of it. Although they can’t feel my pain, they know that where love existed now pain inhabits my heart.
At times I have just curled up in a ball and howled and bawled. Just letting the big crocodile tears fall, asking the “Why?”, even though I know that no one has answers for me. I have asked that question at least a hundred if not a thousand times since my world completely changed. There are no answers, I don’t accept.. “it was his time” or “he is in a better place”. Those are not answers, they are platitudes, platitudes that do nothing to assuage the broken heart of a grieving mom.
What I do know is that I need to “learn to build a better boat”, learn to make my way in this world without Connor. In his physical form, that is not saying he is ever far from my heart or my memories. He will always be with me, just not in the way I wish or need.