Ouch

After the first infusion of tattoo ink, I was hooked. They are like potato chips, you can’t have just one. I was immediately planning the addition to Connor’s infinity piece. It didn’t take me long to settle on butterflies, one for each of us, with Connor’s drifting off.

Butterflies are a symbol of change, and there is no doubt that this has changed all of us. But it has surely changed me. Changed me in ways that at times are hard to explain. I used to be the Mom that was so concerned with what everyone thought of me and how I was raising my children. Were they good enough students, athletes, were they polite enough? Did they write Thank You Cards correctly and in a timely manner, were they kind to people, they weren’t bullies were they? I was so concerned about making sure my children were well received in the community. I wanted to make sure I was raising well rounded young men.

After the death of Connor my priorities have changed. I am pretty confident that I have sent Kyle (the green butterfly) out into the world as prepared as I can. He is a kind, smart and ambitious young man. He is making me proud.

I am also damn confident that Connor would have set the world on fire if he was given a chance. He was driven and loving and if I could snap my fingers and bring him back, I would in a New York Minute.

I know intellectually that isn’t an option but that doesn’t mean that every beat of my heart doesn’t yearn for him, and ache knowing that he is never coming back. So the pain last night to imprint these flying butterflies on me forever is a small price to pay. To keep the memories of Connor forever imprinted on my body as well as in my heart and in my mind. So go on little blue butterfly drifting off, lead the way, show us how it’s done and wait for your mama with open arms when she gets there. It will be a while, but I’m worth the wait I promise.

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