Today is just shy of six months, Connor has been gone 171 days. Please know that I don’t count the days in this terrible new journey I’m on, I have an online calculator that will do it for me when I need it.
In the beginning each and every one of those days was a fog. From the time spent at the Funeral Home making arrangements to the time spent with Rev. Bob Szafran discussing the service. I just walked through the days in a haze, going about the motions and getting things done, but not really dealing with the emotions or the finality of it.
I have gotten through Thanksgiving, Christmas, Kyle’s Birthday, My Birthday, Easter, Valentines Day, His 18th Birthday, Jordan’s Birthday, FCTS Junior/Senior Prom. Each one of them with their own issues and own emotional pain.
The next big hurdles are coming quick, they are Senior Awards Night, and FCTS Graduation. 2 nights I have looked forward to since he started FCTS as a freshman. The next right of passage in a young mans life. To watch him walk across that stage, and then throw his cap in the air when he was done. To listen to him tell me about all the graduation parties that he and Jordan were going to. To plan his graduation party, to have a yard full of all his friends, as well as our friends and family. Watching them have fun, laugh and be crazy.
These are all the things I will miss, the rights of passage that I don’t get this summer. In some ways I am jealous of all of my friends who get to experience all these rights with their kids. We have been invited to a slew of graduation parties. I have told everyone that it will truly depend on how I am doing at the time. I am happy for everyone, but at the same time my heart is broken and aching. Aching that I don’t get to experience the same things.
I will experience them through the eyes and hearts and love of my friends and their children. Knowing that Connor will be right there with me, nudging me along, telling me it’s ok Mom. Ok to enjoy them, and ok to be sad and miss me all at the same time.