Literally

The problem with having a brain that works like mine does is, well having a brain that works like mine does. Today I just couldn’t , I just couldn’t get out of bed and function. Last night night terrors destroyed any hope of sleep that I had. While having a conversation with my best friend (who is also a licensed social worker) I explained my night terrors and said “but Why explosions and fire? I just don’t understand.”

There was a long pause on her end of the phone, she and I have been friends long enough (longer than my marriage, it outlived hers and she remembers the birth of both Kyle and Connor) that I knew she wanted me to think. But my literal mind just couldn’t think outside of the box so I just paused along with her. Finally she responded with “just think about Tamitha (her nickname for me; don’t judge) your brain isn’t always linear but it is sending you messages.” Finally the lightbulb dawned… “omg my life exploded, and that’s what it means.”

Bingo, ding, ding. You win the prize. Although I am not really sure what the prize is, or even if I want it. She and I talked for another hour, about what hurts the most, what I am grieving the loss of. The loss of Prom 2, High School Graduation, the Graduation Party I don’t get to plan. The Engagement and Wedding, the grandchildren from Connor that I will never see. These are experiences that I lost, and the loss of them hurts.

After more conversation, not all crying. There were some laughs too. I came away with a plan. A night time routine, some self care, loving myself, and being patient with me. Realizing that It hurts so much because I loved so deeply. Emotionally letting go of the guilt and the feeling that I am at fault even though I know I am not. This will take time, so patience is the first order. I am not naturally patient, so I need to understand that “Miracles take time Cinderella!”

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