Why Does This Hurt?

    

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     It should be no big surprise, even in death you are still playing favorites.  For as long as I can remember I was not among one of your favorites.  I wasn’t thin enough,  or quiet enough,  or girly enough,  or whatever enough.  There was always a reason that I didn’t measure up for you. 
     Finally somewhere along the line I stopped worrying, or maybe even trying to live up to your impossible standards.  At least I thought I gave up striving for your standards,  but it became obvious that was not true. 
     The little girl in me just wanted to be loved and cherished, something that was impossible for you to do.
     I find it ironic that one of the last things you said to me was “you look beautiful today”.  I honestly can’t remember you telling me that ever.  It was always,  you would look nice if… your hair was lighter,  you lost some weight, your skirt was shorter/longer etc. 
     I can’t change the past,  but what I can change is the way it affects me in the future.  As in I won’t let it affect me.  The past is the past and it will stay there. 
     I am a strong independent woman with a great close family that loves me,  and those are all the most important parts of the equation. 

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