Today is the culmination of 11 shitty days. Today, 6 years ago we made the heartbreaking decision to turn the machines off that we’re sustaining Connor’s life. There was no brain activity, and he would never be Connor again. I remember sitting by his bed and holding his hand, for hours. Crying and begging him to open his eyes, so I could see his beautiful blue eyes one more time. But it never happened.

But today is also the day that another blue eyed whirling dervish came into our lives. Today is Jezebel’s “Gotcha Day”, 3 years ago we drove to Maine, with Jordan in tow to pick up the furry hellion. She makes me smile and usually laugh on a daily basis.

Last night before I fell asleep, I buried my head in Mark’s chest and sobbed, big ugly tears. “Why our baby?” I kept asking. It is the eternal unanswerable question every grieving parent deals with. I have been told, “it was his time”, “he is in a better place“, “time heals all wounds.”

I want to call BULLSHIT on any of those reasons. He was 17, it was too early, he isn’t in a better place! A better place would be here on earth. And TIME ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT heal all wounds. It may dull the pain, but it is always there.

I am learning to cry when I need to, not bottle up the grief, to let people who offer to help, HELP. Even with what I have learned, there is no substitute for Connor being earthbound, I miss him every day!

If I have the emotional strength I may go through the Facebook Memories today. But if not that’s ok too. What I will do is go sit in Jordan’s salon chair, and let her make me beautiful today. There will be tears and laughter and most of all LOVE, because nothing can take that away.

Faith, hope, and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love