Wait For Me Please

Yesterday was one of those days. The kind of day that I didn’t want to go anywhere, I wanted to stay home in my pjs all day. Everything made me cry, I replaced my eye makeup 4 times before I finally gave up and just wiped it all off. I was fully embedded in the notion of “Why?” Why me, Why us, Why Connor, Why did this happen to our family, our community, our friends? That was closely followed by the “What ?” What did I do wrong? As a mom, as a wife, as a human being in general?

I know intellectually that I did nothing wrong, that I couldn’t protect Connor from the accident. But that doesn’t stop the pain, or the tears from it. As for the Why? It was just an accident, caused by the perfect storm of conditions. Wet roads, heavy rain, dense fog, soft shoulder and sloped guardrails. Add those all together and you get the fatal tragic accident.

At S Keyes Electric, Inc. we have an employee who is also a social worker (really a Licensed Social Worker). He asked me how I was yesterday, while knowing I was gonna fall apart like a house of cards in a wind storm. He offered some words of wisdom that have been running around in my head since.

1. You will have guilt, it isn’t rational or real. But it is what a good parent does.

2. Just move through the guilt and don’t let it be your living/resting place.

3. I know you are an accountant and you are used to a linear/organized flow of things. This grief has no linear progression.

4. It will come and go in waves, you will have good and bad days. For no real reason (like yesterday)

5. Being angry that Connor was taken and not someone who “wasn’t going somewhere or didn’t have a plan and goal in life” is normal. Feel it and accept the anger, there is no one to direct the anger to (rationally or intellectually).

6. Don’t bottle up the emotions, talk it out, write it out and cry it out. The tears are good. They are your bodies release of emotion.

I cry like a faucet, I talk to my friends, my mom, the pets. I am not one that bottles this up. I am worried that my friends will get tired of my tears and my unhappiness. I hope my good friends will wait till I am not so sad all the time. I can’t give them a timeline, but someday I won’t be such a wet dishrag, I hope๐Ÿ’โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ’™

New Year

I made it through, that’s what I kept telling myself. If I could just make it through New Years Eve then I would be on the way to healing. Well today is New Years Day, also Kyle’s Birthday and I’m still here. Last night was all about Kyle’s Birthday and the momentous occasion of him turning 21. Our friends Rusty & Kim threw him a Birthday party at Dia’s House. With darts, cribbage, Cards Against Humanity (which Morgan won without a problem). Great food, alcohol, great friends, music , Birthday Cake and lots of laughs.

Because life must go on, not saying that it will remain the same, because it never will. My heart will always be tender, slightly broken, a little bit mashed and crushed. But Kyle should not nor will not suffer from that. He is my firstborn, the one that has paved the way, the one that taught me how to be a mom. Who learned with me that being a mom was not an all or nothing proposition. That you fall, dust yourself off and start again. It is a huge learning curve, and we learn for all of our lives.

Kyle has always been vastly different from Connor, 2 children raised in the same house, with the same parents that had very little in common. Yet they were brother and friends and confidants. Kyle taught me that life at your own pace is fun, you don’t have to go 1000 miles an hour to have fun. Kyle is always talking but he is more contemplative. Connor was always 1000 miles an hour and his jaws didn’t go constantly, yet he was more leap and the net will appear.

Either way, I wouldn’t change anything about their personalities for the world. Love them both to the moon and back. With their differences and similarities. My boys, my world, for whom the sun rises and sets upon.